When Kindness Becomes Self-Abandonment

A gentle look at people-pleasing and the nervous system...

Kindness is something many of us value deeply. We strive to be compassionate, understanding, forgiving, and supportive. Often, these qualities are praised—especially in women. We’re told we’re “easy to be around,” “the peacemaker,” or “so thoughtful.”

But sometimes, what we call kindness doesn’t feel nourishing. It feels exhausting. It feels quieting. It feels like we disappear a little in the process.

Over time, I’ve noticed a pattern—both personally and in my work with clients. Certain behaviors that are often labeled as kindness tend to show up together, and they’re frequently connected to earlier experiences of emotional stress or trauma.

This isn’t about blame or pathology. It’s about understanding.

Behaviors Often Mistaken for Kindness

You may recognize some of these:

• Forgiving repeatedly without accountability

• Silencing your feelings to keep the peace

• Suppressing truth to avoid conflict

• Giving beyond your capacity

• Letting disrespect slide to avoid escalation

• Minimizing your needs and concerns

• Apologizing to ease discomfort rather than resolve harm

• Saying yes when you want to say no

• Supporting everyone but yourself

  
  

Individually, any one of these might seem harmless—even generous. But when they cluster together, they often point to something deeper.

A Pattern Rooted in Safety, Not Weakness

You probably have heard of the flight or fight response.  In trauma-informed psychology, this grouping of behaviors is often associated with a third natural nervous system survival adaptation-- the fawn response.

When conflict once felt unsafe…When expressing needs led to rejection or tension…When harmony felt necessary for connection…the nervous system learned to prioritize others’ comfort over personal truth.

This isn’t a personality flaw... It’s a survival strategy. At some point in life, these behaviors may have kept you safe, connected, or accepted. And for that, they deserve respect—not shame.

Kindness vs. Self-Abandonment

This is an important distinction.

Healthy kindness:

·         Is a choice

·         Includes self-respect

·         Allows for boundaries

·         Can survive disagreement

Trauma-based niceness:

·         Is driven by fear of conflict or loss

·         Requires silencing your truth

·         Leads to exhaustion or resentment

·         Comes at the cost of self

True kindness doesn’t ask us to erase ourselves.

A Gentle Reframe

Instead of asking, “Why do I do this?” Try asking, “What did this once protect me from?”

That question alone can soften the body and bring compassion online.

Awareness is not about forcing change. It’s about creating choice. As safety increases—internally and externally—these patterns often loosen naturally. Boundaries become clearer. Truth feels less dangerous. Kindness begins to include you.

An Invitation

If you see yourself in these words, know this: You are not broken. You are not “too much” or “not enough.” Your nervous system learned what it needed to learn and now you're ready to heal.

Healing doesn’t require becoming less kind. It often begins with becoming kinder to yourself.

This kind of inner listening—where safety, boundaries, and authenticity are honored—is something I explore deeply in my sessions and classes. If this resonates, you’re not alone, and you don’t have to navigate it alone.

Lila Jean